Is it ethical for a Christian couple to use sex toys, role-play, or record videos during intimacy?
Introduction
The Christian tradition views sex within marriage as a sacred and wonderful gift from God, not a necessary evil. The Song of Solomon celebrates the delight and pleasure of marital intimacy. There is a wide latitude of freedom for a married couple to express their love physically.
The ethical question is not "Should we enjoy sex?" (Yes, absolutely), but "What are the biblical boundaries for expressing that enjoyment?"
Main: Three Principles for Ethical Marital Intimacy
The ethical guidelines for a married couple considering various sexual practices are rooted in the principles of mutuality, purity, and safety.
1. The Principle of Mutuality and Consent
The sexual relationship must be characterized by love, respect, and mutual consideration for one another's desires and conscience.
Honoring the Spouse: Paul teaches that the husband and wife have physical authority over one another's bodies: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Corinthians 7:4). This means both partners must give enthusiastic and free consent to any practice, including the use of toys or role-play.
Respecting Conscience: If one spouse is uncomfortable or believes a practice violates their conscience, the other spouse is ethically bound to honor that feeling. Love means setting aside one's desires for the sake of the spouse's peace and comfort.
2. The Principle of Exclusivity and Purity
Marital intimacy is reserved exclusively for the two covenant partners and must not involve outside parties or the use of illicit material.
Exclusion of the Third Party: Any practice that introduces or involves a person outside the marriage covenant is strictly forbidden by Scripture (the sin of adultery/fornication). This is the key test for role-play: the fantasy must never shift from being about the spouses' relationship to being about a third, real-life person.
The Pornography Test: Practices become unethical if they are driven by or directly lead to the consumption of pornography (which is a form of adultery in the heart, Matthew 5:28). The imagination used in role-play should build up the relationship, not seek out the illicit images of others.
Recording Videos: Taking videos is ethically permissible only if it is mutually agreed upon and the videos never leave the privacy of the couple and are never shared or viewed by others. If the videos are ever intended for distribution, or if their existence leads to the temptation of pornography or sharing, the act becomes unethical.
3. The Test of Purpose and Unity
The goal of marital intimacy is unity, pleasure, and the strengthening of the marital bond.
Fostering Unity: The ethical question to ask is: Does this practice (toys, role-play) strengthen our unity, bring us pleasure, and draw us closer together, or does it isolate us, cause shame, or serve as a mere substitute for genuine emotional intimacy? If it builds up the marriage, it is generally considered acceptable.
Toys as Tools: Sex toys are ethically neutral tools. Like any tool, their morality is determined by how they are used. If they are used to enhance mutual pleasure and intimacy within the safe bounds of the covenant, they are permissible.
Conclusion
Is it ethical? Yes, all of these practices can be ethically permissible, provided they meet the standards of mutual consent, exclusivity, non-abuse, and are used to foster deeper intimacy between the two spouses.
Christian couples have tremendous freedom in the marriage bed. Exercise that freedom with wisdom, love, and constant communication to honor your spouse and celebrate the good gift of sexuality God has given you.
