How should a Christian parent deal with wayward children?
Introduction
A "wayward" child is one who has deliberately chosen a path that deviates from their upbringing in faith and righteousness, whether through active rebellion, destructive choices, or a complete rejection of God. This crisis is heart-wrenching because it strikes at a parent's deepest hopes and fears.
The Christian approach to a wayward child must be defined by gospel grace, which recognizes that every person—parent and child—is a sinner in need of redemption. Our goal is to respond with a blend of truth, appropriate action, and unwavering love.
A Three-Phase Approach Based on Age and Authority
The biblical strategy shifts significantly depending on whether the child is under the parents' roof and authority, or is an adult living independently.
1. For Children Under Authority: Discipline and Instruction (The Active Phase)
When the child is a minor, the parent's primary duty is active, continuous instruction and correction.
Instruction and Training: The foundation of biblical parenting is raising children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). This involves faithfully teaching the Bible and consistently modeling holiness. The proverb is a promise of potential outcome, not an absolute guarantee: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
Loving Discipline: Discipline, which includes correction and sometimes punishment (physical or otherwise), is an act of love designed to correct the course of the child: “The Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives” (Hebrews 12:6). The goal of discipline is always restoration and wisdom, not punishment driven by parental anger or frustration.
Set Firm Boundaries: Wayward behavior in a minor requires firm, non-negotiable boundaries and consequences regarding activities, friends, and privileges. The boundaries must be clear, consistent, and administered calmly.
2. For Adult Children: Unconditional Love and Surrender (The Letting Go Phase)
Once a child is an adult, the parent's formal authority ends, and the approach shifts dramatically to relational influence and spiritual surrender.
Maintain Unconditional Love: The parent must intentionally separate the child's behavior from their personhood. The child must know they are loved, regardless of their choices. This means avoiding judgmental lectures, shaming, or using money/support as a means of manipulation. Love must be a constant, non-anxious presence.
Guard Boundaries (Financial and Emotional): While love is unconditional, support is not. The parent must draw wise boundaries to prevent enabling destructive behavior (e.g., refusing to bail them out of legal trouble or pay recurring debts caused by irresponsible choices). You must allow the natural consequences of their choices to fall upon them, as this is often the only thing that brings repentance.
Grieve and Repent: Parents should acknowledge their grief but also use the time for self-reflection. Confess any past failures, overbearing control, or hypocrisy to God. The parent must commit to trusting God’s sovereignty over the child's life, releasing the overwhelming burden of control.
3. The Enduring Call: Prayer and Witness (The Long-Term Hope)
Regardless of the child’s age, the parent’s most powerful tools remain spiritual.
Commit to Persistent Prayer: The most important thing a parent can do is pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Pray for the Holy Spirit to convict their heart, for moments of clarity, and for God to put godly people in their path.
Be the Prodigal Father: Look to the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32). The father did not chase the son or manipulate him. He allowed the son to leave and face the consequences of his choices. He simply waited, watched, and when the son finally came to his senses and returned, the father ran to him, throwing a celebration. Be ready to love, forgive, and restore without reservation.
Maintain a Joyful Witness: Let your own faith be attractive and real. Your consistent, patient, and joyful reliance on God, even amidst this pain, is your clearest sermon.
Conclusion
Dealing with a wayward child is a long process that requires monumental patience. The greatest source of hope is that God is the ultimate parent who has demonstrated endless patience, pursuit, and love toward His wayward people.
Commit to praying faithfully, loving unconditionally, and modeling a life that proves the Gospel is real. Trust the work of the Holy Spirit, knowing that He loves your child more than you do.
