How can a Christian honor a difficult or ungodly parent, as commanded in the Bible?
The Bible's command to "Honor your father and your mother" (Exodus 20:12) is an absolute command, but its meaning changes significantly when a parent is actively harmful or destructive. Honor is about acknowledging their position, not necessarily endorsing their behavior or submitting to abuse.
1. Defining "Honor" in a Difficult Context
In the original Hebrew, the word for "honor" (kaˉbeˉd) literally means to be heavy, weighty, or substantial. In the context of the command, it means acknowledging the weight of their position as your parent, the person God used to bring you into the world.
Honor is not Obedience: As an adult, honoring a parent does not mean you must obey their every command, agree with their choices, or permit destructive behavior. Obedience is for children; honor is for all ages.
Honor is not Approval: You can honor their role while strongly disagreeing with their actions or character. You are commanded to honor the office, not necessarily the officer.
Honor is Protection: In cases where a parent is truly destructive ("bad"), honoring yourself and your family (your spouse and children) by setting boundaries is a form of spiritual honor, as it preserves what God has entrusted to you.
2. Practical Ways to Honor Without Sacrificing Yourself
When a parent is emotionally distant, abusive, or harmful, honoring them requires setting wise, loving boundaries to protect your well-being.
Establish Boundaries (Space and Time): You honor them by treating them with respect during controlled interactions, but you may need to limit the frequency, duration, or nature of your contact. This could mean only communicating by phone, meeting in public, or limiting visits to holidays. You are protecting yourself from sin, which is an act of spiritual stewardship.
Speak Truth (Respectfully): Honor requires that you do not slander or disrespect them publicly, but it does not demand silence when their actions are harmful. If necessary, you can speak truth about their behavior, but do so with respectful language and a humble attitude, not with anger or bitterness.
Prayer: This is the most essential form of honor. You can consistently pray for their salvation, their repentance, their health, and their spiritual transformation. This fulfills the command without requiring physical or emotional vulnerability on your part.
Forgiveness: Honor involves extending forgiveness, even if they never repent or apologize. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a decision to release the debt they owe you, allowing you to move forward without the burden of bitterness. This is a command for the believer regardless of the parent's response.
3. The Christian's Highest Allegiance
Remember that your highest allegiance is to God (Matthew 10:37). If honoring a parent means violating a biblical principle, submitting to abuse, or harming your walk with Christ, your primary responsibility shifts to protecting your faith and your physical safety.
You cannot reconcile the command to honor with the need for self-preservation without recognizing that God never commands you to be abused or destroyed. Setting boundaries is not disobedience; it is a wise and courageous act of love for yourself and your family.
