How should Christian parents respond if their child comes out as gay or transgender?
Introduction
This is perhaps the most sensitive and challenging question Christian parents face in the modern era. When a child shares that they identify as gay or transgender, the parents are immediately placed at the intersection of two non-negotiable biblical commands:
The Command to Love: The parent is called to love their child unconditionally, reflecting the boundless, steadfast love of God the Father (1 John 4:8).
The Command to Uphold Truth: The parent is called to uphold the unchanging, biblical truth regarding human sexuality and gender (Genesis 1:27; Matthew 19:4-6).
The goal of the Christian parent is not to choose between these two commands, but to hold them together: loving the child while clearly defining the boundaries of biblical truth.
The Three-Step Christian Response
A compassionate and biblical response requires parents to act with intentionality in the immediate, ongoing, and long-term phases of the conversation.
1. The Immediate Response: Love and Listen
The initial moments are crucial for preserving the relationship and ensuring the child feels safe.
Affirm Their Worth, Not Necessarily Their Actions: The parent's first words must affirm the child's inherent value and safety. Start by saying: "I love you. You are my son/daughter. You are precious to me." This is an affirmation of the Imago Dei (Image of God) in the child.
Listen with Empathy: The child has likely wrestled with this identity for a long time. The parent must ask non-judgmental questions and listen carefully to their child's emotional experience, pain, and confusion. Understand the difference between listening to understand and listening to respond.
Avoid Emotional or Theological Overreaction: Do not immediately preach or issue ultimatums. The time for theological discussion is later. The immediate need is connection and emotional security. "Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger" (James 1:19).
2. The Ongoing Response: Uphold and Disciple
After the initial conversation, the parents must shift into a sustained process of discipleship grounded in grace and truth.
Be Clear on Biblical Truth: While maintaining love, the parents must gently and clearly articulate the biblical view of marriage (a lifelong union between one man and one woman—Matthew 19:4-6) and gender (created male and female—Genesis 1:27). This must be done not as a condemnation, but as a commitment to God's good, original design for humanity.
For gay identity: The Christian commitment is often defined as a call to sexual purity, whether in heterosexual or same-sex attraction (abstinence outside of marriage).
For transgender identity: The Christian commitment is to affirm the biological sex with which God created the child, while recognizing the very real internal struggle (gender dysphoria).
Avoid Shame and Isolation: Do not cast the child out or cut them off. The child is still the parents' primary mission field. The most loving thing a parent can do is keep the door open for ongoing discipleship and continue to model a life surrendered to Christ.
Seek Wisdom: Parents should immediately seek counsel from their pastor, elders, or other mature, biblical resources that specialize in guiding families through this issue. "Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety" (Proverbs 11:14).
3. The Long-Term Stance: Trust and Witness
The long-term response is a commitment to unconditional love and a constant faith that the Holy Spirit is at work.
Pray Without Ceasing: The greatest act of love and guidance is constant, fervent prayer for the child's heart, their healing, and their ultimate surrender to God's will.
Commit to Relationship: The parent's consistent, non-abandoning love becomes a living testimony to the unmerited grace of God. Even if the child makes choices contrary to biblical standards, the parents' stable love provides a secure anchor and a constant witness of the Gospel.
Conclusion
The response to a child who comes out is a moment where the Christian faith is truly tested. The parent must embody the Gospel: that we are all sinners struggling with various desires and brokenness, yet we are all utterly loved and relentlessly pursued by a holy God.
By holding fast to biblical truth with one hand and extending boundless grace with the other, Christian parents can honor God and continue to love their children faithfully.
