Is it right to withhold forgiveness if someone doesn't repent?
Introduction
The Christian is commanded to forgive, yet this command often conflicts with the pain of an unrepentant offender. To navigate this situation biblically, we must understand that the word "forgiveness" operates on two distinct levels: one that is unconditional (for your own heart) and one that is conditional (for the relationship).
It is always right to forgive in one sense, but it is often wise and biblical to withhold it in the other.
Main: Distinguishing Internal Forgiveness from Relational Reconciliation
1. The Call to Unconditional Internal Forgiveness (Releasing the Debt)
This first step of forgiveness is primarily an act of your will toward God and for your own spiritual health.
Releasing the Offender: Christians are commanded to forgive others, just as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32). This means you release the debt they owe you and surrender your right to revenge or bitterness. "Forgive, and you will be forgiven" (Luke 6:37).
The Benefit to You: This internal forgiveness is unconditional because it is an act of obedience that frees you from the prison of resentment. Bitterness is a toxin that only harms the one who holds it. Releasing the debt, even if the offender never acknowledges the wrong, is always the right thing for a Christian to do. It means you wish them well, pray for them, and move the matter out of your hands and into God's hands.
2. The Requirement for Relational Reconciliation (Restoring Trust)
Relational reconciliation is the restoration of close fellowship, trust, and intimacy. The Bible makes it clear that this level of forgiveness is conditional upon the other person's genuine change of heart.
The Instruction of Jesus: Jesus provided clear steps for dealing with an unrepentant believer. If they refuse to listen, even after confronting them privately and publicly, they are to be treated as an outsider: “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). This instruction clearly shows that full restoration of fellowship is withheld when repentance is absent.
The Necessity of Repentance: Reconciliation requires two people walking in the light. Repentance is the necessary turning away from sin; it is the offender accepting responsibility for the harm done and seeking to change. If someone remains unrepentant, restoring trust and intimacy is neither safe nor wise. It can enable the person to continue the sin and put you in harm's way again.
Proverbs on Folly: Proverbs warns against the folly of quickly restoring the unrepentant: "Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words" (Proverbs 23:9). Wisdom dictates that you must protect yourself from repeated harm while the offender refuses to change.
3. The Limits of Forgiveness and the Power of Consequences
Withholding relational reconciliation is not an act of spite; it is an act of wisdom, justice, and love—both for yourself and for the offender.
Consequences are Merciful: By facing the consequence of lost trust and broken fellowship, the unrepentant person may be led to repentance (2 Corinthians 7:10). The pain of the broken relationship can become a merciful tool God uses to change their heart.
Protecting Your Heart: While you release bitterness, you must not release boundaries. You do not have to put yourself back into a situation where you can be emotionally or physically hurt. True forgiveness does not mean pretending the offense did not happen or submitting to further abuse.
Conclusion
Is it right to withhold forgiveness if someone doesn't repent?
The answer is yes and no.
No, do not withhold the internal release of the debt—forgive them in your heart, for your own sake and in obedience to God.
Yes, you must withhold relational reconciliation and restored trust until genuine repentance, acknowledgment of the sin, and a change in behavior are clearly evident.
This distinction allows you to walk in Christian grace while maintaining Christian wisdom.
